Who's the Failure?

PG&E isn't the only one suspectible to failure here.

Verizon Wireless Wanted My Opinion

Oh boy. Verizon Wireless wanted to know how likely I am to recommend them to a friend. So I clicked on their survey link and gave them a neutral rating, they asked me to expound. So I did. But I'm wondering if others share my opinion of Verizon Wireless and the industry in general. Here's what I wrote.

It's hard not to compare giant telecom companies in terms which is the least evil. Verizon is a terrifically efficient money extraction machine. Not that the others aren't, but despite the decent coverage in my area and better customer service than most, there absolutely no question that Verizon exists only to get my money.

If you want to foster brand loyalty, you gotta give a little. Take MiFi for example. I'd buy one in a heartbeat if you'd let me use my existing data plan, or at least cut me a good deal on the monthly expense. But when I'm already paying you $150 a month, there's no way I'm going to kick down another $50. Or they way you hold back technology. I remember when you were disabling bluetooth in phones (an exec at the time told the press your customers didn't want it), and holding the GPS chip in my old Blackberry hostage unless I paid $10/mo for VZ Navigator. And when I got my Droid a year ago, Verizon spokesperson Brenda Raney stated that tethering would become available in 2010. I bought that phone largely because I wanted to show Verizon that many of your customers will pay for phones that aren't hobbled. Then, in August of 2010 the company announces a change of heart. Want to tether? Buy another phone.

It's all those little digs that undermine brand loyalty. Customers know where we stand. No wireless company has ever demonstrated a sense of loyalty to me, so it shouldn't be hard to understand why your industry can't seem to keep customers from jumping ship. I think it's naively sweet that you posted this survey, but I'm pretty sure Verizon's executive team and board of directors don't care what the customers think as long as we're still paying up.

Then they asked if I could use my comments in their marketing materials. So THAT'S what this was about! They're going to scan the comments of the people who rated them highly and ignore the whiners like me. I've been suckered again.

These Instructions are Mocking Me!

Your humble author is pretty good with technology. I've managed to make a little business out of my skills and provide for my family, even. What I'm not is handy. Not even a little. I once changed out the flush mechanism in a toilet and, drunk on my sense of accomplishment, attempted to change out another one. I had, in fact, been lucky. and a few hours into the second attempt I called a plumber. He was a nice enough guy, but dispensed with diplomacy when he told me my plumbing skills were so bad, I really ought to steer clear of garden hoses. Other failures include 6 hours attempting to install a car stereo (cost me $200 to have it removed and installed correctly), and a kitchen flooring project that stalled for 5 months at phase 1. That one cost $1,200 to correct. Point is, I really, really, suck at most tasks that require tools.
One day last spring, my darling comes home with a new gas grill. In a box. In pieces. And it's my job to assemble it. Gamely, I unpack the box and start looking through the assembly instructions. It doesn't look good from page 1. By page 6 I'm becoming concerned for my safety. By page 10, I'm becoming concerned for my neighborhood's safety. Then I land on page 12- the exploded diagram showing parts A through SS. To a guy like me, that's fiendishly complicated. Click on that picture above to see it and be sure to read that sentence at the bottom. "Estimated assembly time: 30 minutes." Are you freaking kidding me? That's not an estimate, that's a taunt and a mean spirited lie!
Eventually– very eventually- I got the thing put together and working correctly. Well I'm assuming it's working correctly only because we haven't yet experienced any property damage or injury related to use of the grill. And how long did it take me? Three hours, not counting cleanup time.

QuackBooks Pro

I was working on a review of QuickBooks for Mac this week. Intuit, the money extraction regime- er, company that makes the product has never made the Mac version comparable to, or even fully compatible with, the Windows edition. Researching the latest release, I looked for an indication that they'd made some strides toward better compatibility. Short answer: they haven't.

But I did manage to dig up this little gem of a chart. Some "Key Features" of QB for Mac just aren't available on Windows. Those first three features integrate with Apple software and services that don't exist on Windows. So, yeah, take that Windows users! Your QuickBooks can't integrate with software for a computer you don't own! Snap!

More interesting yet is Key Feature number 4. According to the chart, Mac users can share data with their accountants and Windows-based users, but Windows-based users can't share data with Windows-based users. I'm sure it was a simple oversight on Intuit's part and Windows users will be able to share data among themselves for a $39 monthly fee paid annually.

But my favorite by far is Key Feature five. Pity the poor Pee Cee drone trying with grit, determination and earnestness to become a more confident QuickBooks for Mac user. If only our hapless hero had checked in advance! He would have known that you just can't become a more confident QuickBooks for Mac user if you use QuickBooks for Windows.

You just know that some jackass marketing director brayed incessantly "give me five key features or you'll be looking for another entry level job!"

It's not you, it's me. Actually it's FailSafe™ MEGA E&O insurance.

I just got an oddly worded letter from my business insurance company. I carry something called "Error and Omission" insurance which is akin to malpractice coverage for nerds. For context, consider that I've had a policy with this company for five years, my business model hasn't changed in that time and I've never made a claim of any kind.

Perusing the letter, the following statements appear in the order presented.

1. They value me.
2. The success of my business is their top priority.
3. They'll be there when I need them.
4. They want to continue to provide my insurance coverage.
5. They're dropping the only part of the policy I really care about.
6. They look forward to continuing our relationship.

I weep for the jilted lover who gets dumped by the Cyrano de Bureaucrat who authored this breakup letter.

Juxtaposition of Incongruent Images

So I open up my email from Costco, which, like my beloved SkyMall, is full of the most random assortment of products thrown together in no particular order. And I come across this little gem. The Trojan Pleasure Pack is on sale this week. Someone in the art department must have been concerned that the only product shot they had wouldn't scale up nicely. So what's an artist on deadline to do? Quickly! To the stock photography! Here's how I imagine the process went.

• 2:37 PM - "OK, gotta get a picture for these sausage casings."
• 2:43 - "Too bland."
• 2:59 - "Too 70s."
• 3:12 - "Too many dudes."
• 3:38 - "Too much oil."
• 3:53 - "Legal might have to OK that one."
• 4:17 - "Oh God!! My eyes! It burns! It burns!"
• 4:42 - "Almost out of time. Gotta come up with sexy but not offensive."
• 4:59 - To boss: "I did not rush through this! That's a sexy laboratory, man."
• 5:01 - Unicorn Chaser

Instrucciones en Espanol

Hey there Spanish speakers! Looking for a new cabezal de la ducha? We've got you covered. And just in case you can't figure out the directions, there's a title just for you!
-Thank you Pamela Starbuck for the contribution

New Term: Face-baiting

Face-baiting v. The act of posting a vague status update for the purpose of eliciting a response, particularly when the topic wouldn't normally merit any comments. Examples:

Polly Anna: Wow! Just Wow! 4 hours ago

In this post, the author has experienced some sort of dramatic event, but rather than just say it, she's opted to tease her friends. Not knowing if it's good or bad, some will comment asking if everything's OK. When they find out that Polly's amazement was at the cost of Disneyland tickets, they're annoyed by the wasted time and needless concern.

H. Po-Condriac: this time I think it's real 2 min. ago via Facebook for iPhone

Here, our status posting friend has indicated that something quite grave is underway. What could "it" possibly be? The paucity of capital letters and punctuation suggest that whatever is in play here has ominous overtones. In reality, the poster has just been diagnosed with his first pre-cancerous skin lesion which will be removed on the spot with no lingering ill effects.

Astair Gazer: Our for drinks w/ @thewilson. You will NOT believe who we just saw! 17 min. ago via Twitware

Ooh! Ohh! Who did you see!? I'm on pins and needles just shivering with anticipation. Did <powerful politician> come shake your hand? Did <famous athlete> just compliment your awesome jersey? Perhaps <beloved rock star> high-fived you in admiration of your air-drum prowess. Alas. Gazer and @thewilson actually saw Soliel Moon Frye. You know. TV's lovable "Punky Brewster?" She's having a girls night out and some of these crazy ladies are on their second glasses of pinot. Sounds like her oldest is going into kindergarten already! Someone call TMZ!

There's no escape– oh wait.

I was on a public transportation odyssey today when I came across this curious gate. One can envision an apocalyptic scene of overturned and burning cars, crumbling buildings, brimstone raining down from the sky and marauding packs of dogs. And the desperate citizenry lined up, single file, to exit through the gate.

Childrens is Learning

That headline appeared in my local paper's website a while back. It refers to a blog post by some guy who ranked a bunch of major cities by college graduate density. Now maybe the appalling grammar and quote marks around "smartest" are intentional. Just one paper's dig at a very progressive city that's become a favorite conservative whipping post.

Unfortunately, my local paper is actually The San Francisco Chronicle. So much for smarts.

How To Pay For Something That's Free But Isn't Really Anything

I saw a 7-11 ad on a bus today that read "Free Virtual Gift with Taquito Purchase." Where to begin? I consulted my dictionary to be certain, and it confirms that a gift is "a thing given willingly to someone without payment." Which suggests that a "free gift" is redundant like an "automatic ATM machine."

But wait, this alleged gift is presented to you only if you purchase a taquito. So 7-11 isn't going to willingly give you this thing without payment for your taquito. The "free gift" is actually something they're going to include with the purchase of a taquito without an additional charge. Free-ish, but you still have to part with some cash.

The questionable freeness of the gift notwithstanding, there's the matter of reality. Does a virtual gift have any value? Sure, some design and coding effort went into its creation, but with the ability to create hundreds of millions of copies with negligible effort or cost, do you really have something of worth? And if you give up your WhateverVille account, you don't get to keep your gift that wasn't real to begin with.

In the end, then, you're buying a nasty-ass 7-11 taquito and receiving access to some computer code for as long as you maintain the FriendFace application that runs it. Score.

Stuart's Sky Mall Game

I admit it. When I fly, I enthusiastically dive into the Sky Mall catalog. I adore it's randomness. There aren't many catalogs where you can find a $400 foot squisher and a two foot tall Bigfoot statue in the same pages. Inspired by its strangeness and by my beloved parody Sky Maul (Shop 'Till You Drop...From the Sky!™) I came up with the Sky Mall game.

Open SkyMall to any given page. Drawing only from that page and the one facing it, string together a few phrases of your choice. Grammar modifications for things like plurality and subject-verb agreement are OK. Here are a couple from my flight last Saturday.

p. 44-45 The removable pivoting kettle is more of a pleasure when encased in rich leather. Integrated two-slice toaster with special bagel setting does the rest, no plumbing required.

p.38-39 Unlike plastic pet fountains, this forms gently to the shape of your thigh. The falling stream attracts pets which are suctioned by a 22,400 RPM motor.

p. 28-29 This portable device analyzes your dog's DNA and allows you to convert your cherished antimicrobial artificial turf at up to 300 dpi resolution. Integrated diffuser screen gives dogs a place to relieve themselves.

p. 22-23 Nobody needs to know about your notorious and gripping run-ins with your baby in the dark.Calm them behind a bookcase or beneath a couch.

p. 24-25 Impress your friends with work, stress, drinking, and harmful UV rays. A simple swab of your inner cheek turns even the hardest wood into mold and mildew.

This could work with just about any catalog, but the sheer randomness of SkyMall makes for some interesting possibilities...

It's like they're trying to tell me something.

I've been getting calls supposedly from a collection agency recently. They occasionally leave messages stating they're calling on behalf of Giant Evil Credit Card Company, but usually they just ring my phone every couple hours, you know, just being friendly-like. It's surely a scam because I have an account with Giant Evil Credit Card Company that has never been over-limit or past due. Still, the concern that some jackass out there used my name to get credit and is using it to snap up Jeff Foxworthy memorabilia on eBay was enough to send me for a credit report.

So I go through the unnecessarily arduous steps to obtain my free credit report. At various stages in the process one has to prove that he's human by deciphering misshapen letters. I think, once in a while, bankers and credit card executives should have to prove humanity. Not by transcribing twisted text, but by illustrating some form of genuine kindness. Tax-deductible charity donations don't count. Something selfless and tangible. But I digress. The distorted characters I had to translate seemed to spell out their message to me and it's clear that they'll tolerate my existence as long as they're getting money out of it, but they sure don't like me.







It doesn't take too much imagination to turn FUQK 70 into FU*K YOU...

Go Bold! Or Don't!

So, I'm not particularly proud of my past with Taco Bell. I mean, it was back in college and everyone gets into things they think the better of later. I was simply poor and generally unwilling to cook for myself. So Taco Bell seemed like a good fit. By my junior year, I knew which particular locations had the best burritos, fastest drive-throughs, and least-sticky floors. I was living off the stuff. These days I make my own burritos out of stuff I purchase at the grocery store, but I admit it- I buy the Taco Bell sauce. I like it because it's way less spicy than most of the others on the shelf. Which makes the label design that much more amusing. I buy this stuff because I don't want to "go bold." I want to go mild. Then I want some warm milk while I watch Matlock.

Mr. Opportunity

A decade ago I bought a new Honda Civic. The nice folks at the dealership still seem to labor under the misapprehension that I'll be able to buy a new car again at some point in my life. That's looking increasingly improbable. Hope springs eternal and whatnot, so they send me postcards and letters asking for my business. Indeed, I once received a mailer with an enticing scratch-off pad. You know, like on Lottery tickets? It was from their service department and under the metallic blot was my personal service discount! I pulled a coin out of the nearest child's hand and began scratching furiously. Would I get a free tune-up? Maybe half off a timing belt replacement!

But my enthusiasm was naive and misplaced. Much like Ralphie decoding Little Orphan Annie's secret message, I was playing the chump. My personal discount was for $2 off any service. That's two dollars off. At a freaking car dealership! Somewhere, in the quietest, most remote part of my brain, the last non-cynical cell in my body cried out: "Son of a bitch!"

Which leads us to Mr. Opportunity up there. Last summer I got another solicitation from the sales department. They managed to insult my intelligence by mistaking the plural for the possessive. There was no shock or hurt this time. I'm a lot tougher now. After a disdainful snort, I made a solemn vow to myself. If I had the money for a new car, I'd take my business elsewhere.

Please Give Generously

Dear friends, It's my sincere hope that you haven't personally suffered from the Lymes. Even if you haven't, you surely know a friend, family member, or acquaintance who has endured the heartbreak of Lymes. That's why I'm asking you to look into your tick-bitten heart and reach into your wallet. Please help the neediest among us. Every $2,500 (plus tax) you donate buys an hour of hyperbaric therapy for some poor Lymer. And, if you donate today, we'll send you a free "I got pressured into hyperbaric therapy" t-shirt as our gift. So please, before my next boat payment comes due, won't you give to the Lymer fund?

This Time, it's Personally

It's something they take personal, huh? Well that's heartening. I just wish adverbs were something they took serious.

Sun Hats Gone Wild

Well, I'm back on the sun hat kick. As my similarly melanin-challenged friend John put it " All of my hats make me think I look somewhere between a homeless guy and an asshole who beats up homeless guys." Let's look at more of the contenders.

Here's the venerable Bucket Hat. I admit having something like this, but I've already successfully reproduced and can get away with wearing it. Fellas, if you want the ladies to know that you're genes aren't suitable for passing along to a new generation. Think of it as a public service. No suitable mate here, Miss, move along.

Remember Dumb Donald? This guy doesn't.

This one is a little unsettling. When someone comes up to you in this gear it's either "give me your wallet" or "I'm going to die of a gruesome skin ailment any minute now. If I crumple right now, please look inside my hat flap for my next-of-kin's phone number."

Our final contender is the ultra-brim. And don't let the goateed model fool you. The only guys that wear these are over 40 types who came back from the doctor with precancerous lesions on their heads. Put off buying the sun hat long enough and somebody might pick up this beauty for you.

Sun Hat Connundrum

Last year I lost my cancer virginity. I was diagnosed with a Basal Cell Carcinoma, also know as "The Good Cancer." And, for sure, if you have to get the big C, I'll take my tiny skin cancer over a Butterfly Glioma any day. But sreiously, the good cancer? How about the Least Bad Cancer?

I've been a hat wearer all my life, but now my hats require substantial brims and therein lies the problem. If you're a man looking for a sun hat, choices are limited to a few main styles, none of which are particularly attractive. If anybody knows of a less-lame hat style, I'd love to know about it.

Exhibit A: The Uncle Douche

Few articles of clothing impart douchebaggery as resolutely as the Panama hat. This hat says "I'm going to show up to your wedding drunk." It's the hat of the miscreant uncle or maybe Mom's boyfriend who makes the kids wait in the car for a couple hours while he "visits some friends" at the strip club.

Exhbit B: The Neo-Cowboy

About every 15 years there's a cowboy fad. First it was the late 70's with Urban Cowboy and then came the early 90's Garth Brooks stadium extravaganzas. So I guess we're about due. I can't wait to see droves of doughy sedentary work force types squeeze into jeans with huge belt buckles and doff pseudo cow-puncher headgear like this.

Exhibit C: The Chief Executive Asshole

The stony expression. The squared jaw. The narrow slits for eyes. And up top- the laser sharp lines of absolute domination. The CEA will destroy you utterly.

Exhibit D: The Jimmy Cracked Corn

Some folk'll never eat a skunk
But then again some folk'll
Like Cletus the slack jawed yokel.

Even more hat bashing...

Cognative Dissonance

Apparently the swine flu has just earned its college degree. You're probably thinking it studied microbiology with an emphasis on virology. You'd be wrong. A super star like this baby is all about the marcom. You know this bad boy is going to reinvent itself more times than Madonna.