Juxtaposition of Incongruent Images

So I open up my email from Costco, which, like my beloved SkyMall, is full of the most random assortment of products thrown together in no particular order. And I come across this little gem. The Trojan Pleasure Pack is on sale this week. Someone in the art department must have been concerned that the only product shot they had wouldn't scale up nicely. So what's an artist on deadline to do? Quickly! To the stock photography! Here's how I imagine the process went.

• 2:37 PM - "OK, gotta get a picture for these sausage casings."
• 2:43 - "Too bland."
• 2:59 - "Too 70s."
• 3:12 - "Too many dudes."
• 3:38 - "Too much oil."
• 3:53 - "Legal might have to OK that one."
• 4:17 - "Oh God!! My eyes! It burns! It burns!"
• 4:42 - "Almost out of time. Gotta come up with sexy but not offensive."
• 4:59 - To boss: "I did not rush through this! That's a sexy laboratory, man."
• 5:01 - Unicorn Chaser

Instrucciones en Espanol

Hey there Spanish speakers! Looking for a new cabezal de la ducha? We've got you covered. And just in case you can't figure out the directions, there's a title just for you!
-Thank you Pamela Starbuck for the contribution

New Term: Face-baiting

Face-baiting v. The act of posting a vague status update for the purpose of eliciting a response, particularly when the topic wouldn't normally merit any comments. Examples:

Polly Anna: Wow! Just Wow! 4 hours ago

In this post, the author has experienced some sort of dramatic event, but rather than just say it, she's opted to tease her friends. Not knowing if it's good or bad, some will comment asking if everything's OK. When they find out that Polly's amazement was at the cost of Disneyland tickets, they're annoyed by the wasted time and needless concern.

H. Po-Condriac: this time I think it's real 2 min. ago via Facebook for iPhone

Here, our status posting friend has indicated that something quite grave is underway. What could "it" possibly be? The paucity of capital letters and punctuation suggest that whatever is in play here has ominous overtones. In reality, the poster has just been diagnosed with his first pre-cancerous skin lesion which will be removed on the spot with no lingering ill effects.

Astair Gazer: Our for drinks w/ @thewilson. You will NOT believe who we just saw! 17 min. ago via Twitware

Ooh! Ohh! Who did you see!? I'm on pins and needles just shivering with anticipation. Did <powerful politician> come shake your hand? Did <famous athlete> just compliment your awesome jersey? Perhaps <beloved rock star> high-fived you in admiration of your air-drum prowess. Alas. Gazer and @thewilson actually saw Soliel Moon Frye. You know. TV's lovable "Punky Brewster?" She's having a girls night out and some of these crazy ladies are on their second glasses of pinot. Sounds like her oldest is going into kindergarten already! Someone call TMZ!

There's no escape– oh wait.

I was on a public transportation odyssey today when I came across this curious gate. One can envision an apocalyptic scene of overturned and burning cars, crumbling buildings, brimstone raining down from the sky and marauding packs of dogs. And the desperate citizenry lined up, single file, to exit through the gate.

Childrens is Learning

That headline appeared in my local paper's website a while back. It refers to a blog post by some guy who ranked a bunch of major cities by college graduate density. Now maybe the appalling grammar and quote marks around "smartest" are intentional. Just one paper's dig at a very progressive city that's become a favorite conservative whipping post.

Unfortunately, my local paper is actually The San Francisco Chronicle. So much for smarts.

How To Pay For Something That's Free But Isn't Really Anything

I saw a 7-11 ad on a bus today that read "Free Virtual Gift with Taquito Purchase." Where to begin? I consulted my dictionary to be certain, and it confirms that a gift is "a thing given willingly to someone without payment." Which suggests that a "free gift" is redundant like an "automatic ATM machine."

But wait, this alleged gift is presented to you only if you purchase a taquito. So 7-11 isn't going to willingly give you this thing without payment for your taquito. The "free gift" is actually something they're going to include with the purchase of a taquito without an additional charge. Free-ish, but you still have to part with some cash.

The questionable freeness of the gift notwithstanding, there's the matter of reality. Does a virtual gift have any value? Sure, some design and coding effort went into its creation, but with the ability to create hundreds of millions of copies with negligible effort or cost, do you really have something of worth? And if you give up your WhateverVille account, you don't get to keep your gift that wasn't real to begin with.

In the end, then, you're buying a nasty-ass 7-11 taquito and receiving access to some computer code for as long as you maintain the FriendFace application that runs it. Score.

Stuart's Sky Mall Game

I admit it. When I fly, I enthusiastically dive into the Sky Mall catalog. I adore it's randomness. There aren't many catalogs where you can find a $400 foot squisher and a two foot tall Bigfoot statue in the same pages. Inspired by its strangeness and by my beloved parody Sky Maul (Shop 'Till You Drop...From the Sky!™) I came up with the Sky Mall game.

Open SkyMall to any given page. Drawing only from that page and the one facing it, string together a few phrases of your choice. Grammar modifications for things like plurality and subject-verb agreement are OK. Here are a couple from my flight last Saturday.

p. 44-45 The removable pivoting kettle is more of a pleasure when encased in rich leather. Integrated two-slice toaster with special bagel setting does the rest, no plumbing required.

p.38-39 Unlike plastic pet fountains, this forms gently to the shape of your thigh. The falling stream attracts pets which are suctioned by a 22,400 RPM motor.

p. 28-29 This portable device analyzes your dog's DNA and allows you to convert your cherished antimicrobial artificial turf at up to 300 dpi resolution. Integrated diffuser screen gives dogs a place to relieve themselves.

p. 22-23 Nobody needs to know about your notorious and gripping run-ins with your baby in the dark.Calm them behind a bookcase or beneath a couch.

p. 24-25 Impress your friends with work, stress, drinking, and harmful UV rays. A simple swab of your inner cheek turns even the hardest wood into mold and mildew.

This could work with just about any catalog, but the sheer randomness of SkyMall makes for some interesting possibilities...