Childrens is Learning

That headline appeared in my local paper's website a while back. It refers to a blog post by some guy who ranked a bunch of major cities by college graduate density. Now maybe the appalling grammar and quote marks around "smartest" are intentional. Just one paper's dig at a very progressive city that's become a favorite conservative whipping post.

Unfortunately, my local paper is actually The San Francisco Chronicle. So much for smarts.

Mr. Opportunity

A decade ago I bought a new Honda Civic. The nice folks at the dealership still seem to labor under the misapprehension that I'll be able to buy a new car again at some point in my life. That's looking increasingly improbable. Hope springs eternal and whatnot, so they send me postcards and letters asking for my business. Indeed, I once received a mailer with an enticing scratch-off pad. You know, like on Lottery tickets? It was from their service department and under the metallic blot was my personal service discount! I pulled a coin out of the nearest child's hand and began scratching furiously. Would I get a free tune-up? Maybe half off a timing belt replacement!

But my enthusiasm was naive and misplaced. Much like Ralphie decoding Little Orphan Annie's secret message, I was playing the chump. My personal discount was for $2 off any service. That's two dollars off. At a freaking car dealership! Somewhere, in the quietest, most remote part of my brain, the last non-cynical cell in my body cried out: "Son of a bitch!"

Which leads us to Mr. Opportunity up there. Last summer I got another solicitation from the sales department. They managed to insult my intelligence by mistaking the plural for the possessive. There was no shock or hurt this time. I'm a lot tougher now. After a disdainful snort, I made a solemn vow to myself. If I had the money for a new car, I'd take my business elsewhere.

Please Give Generously

Dear friends, It's my sincere hope that you haven't personally suffered from the Lymes. Even if you haven't, you surely know a friend, family member, or acquaintance who has endured the heartbreak of Lymes. That's why I'm asking you to look into your tick-bitten heart and reach into your wallet. Please help the neediest among us. Every $2,500 (plus tax) you donate buys an hour of hyperbaric therapy for some poor Lymer. And, if you donate today, we'll send you a free "I got pressured into hyperbaric therapy" t-shirt as our gift. So please, before my next boat payment comes due, won't you give to the Lymer fund?

This Time, it's Personally

It's something they take personal, huh? Well that's heartening. I just wish adverbs were something they took serious.

Going Through the Motions

This morning I woke up to find this message darkening my inbox:

Congratulations. The South African football association, safa is proud to inform you that you have just won Two Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$2.500, 000.00).

I have to wonder, are these guys even trying anymore? These schemes were never models of grammar and spelling, but come on. If you can't even type a number correctly, how many suckers are you going to reel in? You'd think they might use some of their spoils to, say, hire someone who speaks the language of their marks. But I guess everyone burns out at some point and just churns through the workday. Makes me wonder what a trip to the DMV is like in Nigeria...