These Instructions are Mocking Me!

Your humble author is pretty good with technology. I've managed to make a little business out of my skills and provide for my family, even. What I'm not is handy. Not even a little. I once changed out the flush mechanism in a toilet and, drunk on my sense of accomplishment, attempted to change out another one. I had, in fact, been lucky. and a few hours into the second attempt I called a plumber. He was a nice enough guy, but dispensed with diplomacy when he told me my plumbing skills were so bad, I really ought to steer clear of garden hoses. Other failures include 6 hours attempting to install a car stereo (cost me $200 to have it removed and installed correctly), and a kitchen flooring project that stalled for 5 months at phase 1. That one cost $1,200 to correct. Point is, I really, really, suck at most tasks that require tools.
One day last spring, my darling comes home with a new gas grill. In a box. In pieces. And it's my job to assemble it. Gamely, I unpack the box and start looking through the assembly instructions. It doesn't look good from page 1. By page 6 I'm becoming concerned for my safety. By page 10, I'm becoming concerned for my neighborhood's safety. Then I land on page 12- the exploded diagram showing parts A through SS. To a guy like me, that's fiendishly complicated. Click on that picture above to see it and be sure to read that sentence at the bottom. "Estimated assembly time: 30 minutes." Are you freaking kidding me? That's not an estimate, that's a taunt and a mean spirited lie!
Eventually– very eventually- I got the thing put together and working correctly. Well I'm assuming it's working correctly only because we haven't yet experienced any property damage or injury related to use of the grill. And how long did it take me? Three hours, not counting cleanup time.

QuackBooks Pro

I was working on a review of QuickBooks for Mac this week. Intuit, the money extraction regime- er, company that makes the product has never made the Mac version comparable to, or even fully compatible with, the Windows edition. Researching the latest release, I looked for an indication that they'd made some strides toward better compatibility. Short answer: they haven't.

But I did manage to dig up this little gem of a chart. Some "Key Features" of QB for Mac just aren't available on Windows. Those first three features integrate with Apple software and services that don't exist on Windows. So, yeah, take that Windows users! Your QuickBooks can't integrate with software for a computer you don't own! Snap!

More interesting yet is Key Feature number 4. According to the chart, Mac users can share data with their accountants and Windows-based users, but Windows-based users can't share data with Windows-based users. I'm sure it was a simple oversight on Intuit's part and Windows users will be able to share data among themselves for a $39 monthly fee paid annually.

But my favorite by far is Key Feature five. Pity the poor Pee Cee drone trying with grit, determination and earnestness to become a more confident QuickBooks for Mac user. If only our hapless hero had checked in advance! He would have known that you just can't become a more confident QuickBooks for Mac user if you use QuickBooks for Windows.

You just know that some jackass marketing director brayed incessantly "give me five key features or you'll be looking for another entry level job!"

It's not you, it's me. Actually it's FailSafe™ MEGA E&O insurance.

I just got an oddly worded letter from my business insurance company. I carry something called "Error and Omission" insurance which is akin to malpractice coverage for nerds. For context, consider that I've had a policy with this company for five years, my business model hasn't changed in that time and I've never made a claim of any kind.

Perusing the letter, the following statements appear in the order presented.

1. They value me.
2. The success of my business is their top priority.
3. They'll be there when I need them.
4. They want to continue to provide my insurance coverage.
5. They're dropping the only part of the policy I really care about.
6. They look forward to continuing our relationship.

I weep for the jilted lover who gets dumped by the Cyrano de Bureaucrat who authored this breakup letter.

Juxtaposition of Incongruent Images

So I open up my email from Costco, which, like my beloved SkyMall, is full of the most random assortment of products thrown together in no particular order. And I come across this little gem. The Trojan Pleasure Pack is on sale this week. Someone in the art department must have been concerned that the only product shot they had wouldn't scale up nicely. So what's an artist on deadline to do? Quickly! To the stock photography! Here's how I imagine the process went.

• 2:37 PM - "OK, gotta get a picture for these sausage casings."
• 2:43 - "Too bland."
• 2:59 - "Too 70s."
• 3:12 - "Too many dudes."
• 3:38 - "Too much oil."
• 3:53 - "Legal might have to OK that one."
• 4:17 - "Oh God!! My eyes! It burns! It burns!"
• 4:42 - "Almost out of time. Gotta come up with sexy but not offensive."
• 4:59 - To boss: "I did not rush through this! That's a sexy laboratory, man."
• 5:01 - Unicorn Chaser

Instrucciones en Espanol

Hey there Spanish speakers! Looking for a new cabezal de la ducha? We've got you covered. And just in case you can't figure out the directions, there's a title just for you!
-Thank you Pamela Starbuck for the contribution

New Term: Face-baiting

Face-baiting v. The act of posting a vague status update for the purpose of eliciting a response, particularly when the topic wouldn't normally merit any comments. Examples:

Polly Anna: Wow! Just Wow! 4 hours ago

In this post, the author has experienced some sort of dramatic event, but rather than just say it, she's opted to tease her friends. Not knowing if it's good or bad, some will comment asking if everything's OK. When they find out that Polly's amazement was at the cost of Disneyland tickets, they're annoyed by the wasted time and needless concern.

H. Po-Condriac: this time I think it's real 2 min. ago via Facebook for iPhone

Here, our status posting friend has indicated that something quite grave is underway. What could "it" possibly be? The paucity of capital letters and punctuation suggest that whatever is in play here has ominous overtones. In reality, the poster has just been diagnosed with his first pre-cancerous skin lesion which will be removed on the spot with no lingering ill effects.

Astair Gazer: Our for drinks w/ @thewilson. You will NOT believe who we just saw! 17 min. ago via Twitware

Ooh! Ohh! Who did you see!? I'm on pins and needles just shivering with anticipation. Did <powerful politician> come shake your hand? Did <famous athlete> just compliment your awesome jersey? Perhaps <beloved rock star> high-fived you in admiration of your air-drum prowess. Alas. Gazer and @thewilson actually saw Soliel Moon Frye. You know. TV's lovable "Punky Brewster?" She's having a girls night out and some of these crazy ladies are on their second glasses of pinot. Sounds like her oldest is going into kindergarten already! Someone call TMZ!

There's no escape– oh wait.

I was on a public transportation odyssey today when I came across this curious gate. One can envision an apocalyptic scene of overturned and burning cars, crumbling buildings, brimstone raining down from the sky and marauding packs of dogs. And the desperate citizenry lined up, single file, to exit through the gate.