Underwear Overboard

I went to Target yesterday. Funny thing about Target. No matter what I go there for, I end up spending at least a hundred bucks. I may think I just need chapstick, but somewhere between the front door and checkout, I find my arms laden with $100 worth of whatever it is Target sells. Yesterday it was $175.

Roughly 8% of my bill went to underwear. I like this kind of unmentionables because whenever someone asks me "Boxers or Briefs?" (which, mind you, is the kind of coy flirtation that happens to a guy like be on a semi-decadal basis), I can cleverly retort "Yes." At which point I successfully stanch all playful banter.

The other thing about this- that model is WAY too happy about his undies. And what about this "No Ride Up" money back guarantee? How does one go about securing a refund when their drawers start riding up? Do you have to drop trau for the kid behind the returns desk? Send a picture along with the unused portion back to Bangladesh? I wonder how many people take them up on the offer?

(parenthesexy)

So, we're all used to getting spam. And I certainly get my share of Nigerian "I've got $47Million I need to stash in your bank account" pitches and "You've won some lottery you never entered in a country you've never been to" scams. I also get these "I am handsome woman with requirement make the acquaintance for fetching mans" emails a couple times a week. But this one is the first I've ever seen with such copious use of parenthesis.

hey;) how are you?) do you have a second?)... i have not boyfriend(( I very want to meet real men...which will know woman's need ...like in a cinema ... you know)))) lets chat!) i am pretty girl)) I have a lot of time for meetings and if you have any ideas how to spend it with me... just email me back at ROMEY@[blahblah].com and i will reply back with some nice ;) photos with me ...and maybe, you will want to write me again)))

I much want to know...when the using upon parentheses...why are the symbols leaving balance...you know)))))

Bed Bath and Beyond

Somewhere I read that children process language very literally. According to the author of this article, it's not until a child reaches the age or 9 or 10 that linguistic nuances like sarcasm and irony are comprehended. That theory seems to hold up in my house. What else can explain this remark from my five year old boy while pretending to work at Bed Bath and Beyond?

"We have good prices on various things that don't do much, but comfort you."

Yeah, that seems to describe "As Seen on TV Kinoki Cleansing Foot Pads" perfectly.

Good, Better, Best. Never Let it Rest

When I was a kid, my mom would tell me this rhyme:

Good, better, best
Never let it rest
Till you good gets better
And your better is best.

So I wonder what she'll make of the choices my scanner presents. The tangle of comparatives here is thick. Is "best" better and faster than "excellent" or is "excellent" somehow bester? And the speed. Nothing is the slowest, but "excellent," which may or may not be the bester setting, is slower.

My poor brain is hurtinger than it's been in a while. This isn't the confusedest I've ever been, but it's the closerest I've come in quite some time.

Less than Zero

So I'm looking for some way to strap my boy's DVD player to the back of a car headrest and I come across this on the manufacturer's website. A very simple order form does not require instructions. Indeed, poor instructions could make matters worse.

“Input non-zero quantities for the parts you need” we're advised. Hold on there Einstein! You're talking to a liberal arts major here. I don't live in your cold, cold world of numbers. “Non-zero” you say? Well I did take a little philosophy. I think I can put together a pretty sound argument for why you should money to me when I enter negative numbers. They are, after all, “non-zero.” Maybe I am on my way!

Is it Really Worth It?

Behold the dangers of a jewelry cleaner. Could this be the same company that brought us Innervation Racing? Thanks to our friend Kamala for this one.

• Do not dissect the unit except the authorized serviceman.
• Repeat working cycle can enhance the cleaning effect While the interval is better longer than 5 minutes.
• Unfirmly inlaid studs on decorations may shed off during cleaning.
• Unfastened parts may also meet above problems.
• Do not merge non-waterproof watch into water.
• Close supervision is necessary when this product is used by, on, or near children or invalids.
• Never use while sleeping or drowsy.
• During cleaning, the "ZiZi" noise is normal.
  

Think of the horrors that could ensue if a sleeping invalid merged a watch into it while children were dissecting it!!

Paradoxymoron?

This little nugget comes courtesy of Meritline.com. It's actually my favorite place for picking up random cheap techy stuff. In what can only be described as paradoxymoronical, "Custom Accessories" is offering a Universal Cell Phone Holder. There seems to be a little tension in our adjectives, no?