PorkWHAT?

Hey kids! What looks like a dirt clod, smells like poo, and is (possibly) loaded with deadly chemicals? It's Pork Sweet, The Dandy Candy Porcine Treat.™

My friend Sarah picked this up for me at a Chinese restaurant years ago. Tuned in to my love of bacon and just about anything sugary, she knew it had my name on it. Honestly, I've been afraid to taste, or even open this weird little meat nugget. It's amusing, sure, but I can't get behind the concept. Candied pig meat (that doesn't require refrigeration!) is one of those really bad food ideas like raw horseflesh ice cream or the meat gelatin abomination knows as the aspic.

Today I finally got around to opening the thing up so I could get a scan of the package. To get a feel for the sensory experience, imagine you're at the county fair. Feeling a twinge of hunger, you stride over to the livestock section and engage a pig in hand-to-hoof combat. The pig fends off your attack, but not before you manage to get a raisin-size chunk of it's flesh.

You're not going to just pop that in your mouth, though. You head over to the food carts looking for something to enhance your morsel. A quick detour to the porta-potty is a near disaster. Your pig meat slips from your grasp and into the toilet. Lucky for you, flesh floats and it's easily retrieved. Crisis averted.

Having reached the food-on-a-stick asile, your good fortune persists. The funnel cake guy just knocked over the powdered sugar shaker and there's a small pile on the ground. Rolling your piece of pork around in the sugar and dirt, it picks up a little hair and a dusty brownish hue, but who cares? You've done it. You taken simple pork and sugar, and made a culinary masterpiece.

Bon appetit.