What's This About the Nuts?

Ummm. This could mean any number of things. Try a comma in various places and see what you get.

Blood Bath and Beyond

I get a coupon for 20% off any single item at a large, and particularly odiferous, chain store about every third day. It's one of those "big box" stores that hangs product from floor to twenty-five foot ceiling. I suppose they want to give a "well stocked" impression. I tend to simply reel at the volume of crap they can cram into a given space.

And the smell. It's like a Yankee Candle potpourri nose enema. I lose my peripheral vision for a minute or two trying to adjust to the reek. My wife once bought a box of Whoppers from this establishment and we had to throw them out. Whatever trace of chocolate and malted milk remained was just too weak to stand up to the smell. Even if you don't buy a thing, the stench clings to your clothes and catches a ride home with you.

Yeah, I love to hate this place. That's why I never pass up the occasional crapalog they send me. It's like a down-market SkyMall and I eat it up. Imagine my delight when, and I'm not making this up, immediately adjacent to a wine-making kit, they advertise the $15 breathalyzer. I hope that's a clock on the display- if your BAL is 1.05 you're gonna wish you sprung for the $45 keychain breathalyzer. That one texts your next-of-kin when you exceed .99. And it's December. So in an increasingly unfortunate series of decisions, someone decided that a keychain breathalyzer was a corking idea, some marketing mensa singled it out for holiday giving, and in a flash of true inspiration, the catalog genius made the obvious link with the wine making kit. "Everything for the wino motorist on your list."

The kicker? It's "For Entertainment Purposes Only." Entertainment!? Let me tell you, after a couple hours pounding homemade wine, "entertainment" usually starts with the phrase "hey guys! Watch this!" and ends in the emergency room.

Hockin' up for Science

I got a letter from Kaiser medical's research arm a few months ago asking me to participate in a decades-long genetics study. It didn't take me long to decide if I would participate. I mean, a bell curve has to start somewhere, right? So I sent back the letter saying I'd do it. They sent back a letter saying "thanks, any you may or may not ever hear from us again." Feeling a trifle toyed with, I sat by the mailbox for the next few days yearning for some sign that they liked me. My codependent behavior was rewarded when another communication arrived advising me that another communication would be arriving. And this next was was the one I'd been waiting for. Kaiser wanted my spit. A month in and I was finally getting to first base.


Those of you who aren't key participants in groundbreaking research such as myself may think that spitting into a cup is a simple affair. You poor, naive souls. Placing laboratory-quality saliva into a sample container is precise, laborious work. Indeed, it takes a full page of instructions with multiple diagrams to teach the novice expectorator just how to hock into that cup.


My favorite direction was number 5. "Finish spitting within 30 minutes after you start." I just wanted it to go on forever...

Underwear Overboard

I went to Target yesterday. Funny thing about Target. No matter what I go there for, I end up spending at least a hundred bucks. I may think I just need chapstick, but somewhere between the front door and checkout, I find my arms laden with $100 worth of whatever it is Target sells. Yesterday it was $175.

Roughly 8% of my bill went to underwear. I like this kind of unmentionables because whenever someone asks me "Boxers or Briefs?" (which, mind you, is the kind of coy flirtation that happens to a guy like be on a semi-decadal basis), I can cleverly retort "Yes." At which point I successfully stanch all playful banter.

The other thing about this- that model is WAY too happy about his undies. And what about this "No Ride Up" money back guarantee? How does one go about securing a refund when their drawers start riding up? Do you have to drop trau for the kid behind the returns desk? Send a picture along with the unused portion back to Bangladesh? I wonder how many people take them up on the offer?

(parenthesexy)

So, we're all used to getting spam. And I certainly get my share of Nigerian "I've got $47Million I need to stash in your bank account" pitches and "You've won some lottery you never entered in a country you've never been to" scams. I also get these "I am handsome woman with requirement make the acquaintance for fetching mans" emails a couple times a week. But this one is the first I've ever seen with such copious use of parenthesis.

hey;) how are you?) do you have a second?)... i have not boyfriend(( I very want to meet real men...which will know woman's need ...like in a cinema ... you know)))) lets chat!) i am pretty girl)) I have a lot of time for meetings and if you have any ideas how to spend it with me... just email me back at ROMEY@[blahblah].com and i will reply back with some nice ;) photos with me ...and maybe, you will want to write me again)))

I much want to know...when the using upon parentheses...why are the symbols leaving balance...you know)))))

Bed Bath and Beyond

Somewhere I read that children process language very literally. According to the author of this article, it's not until a child reaches the age or 9 or 10 that linguistic nuances like sarcasm and irony are comprehended. That theory seems to hold up in my house. What else can explain this remark from my five year old boy while pretending to work at Bed Bath and Beyond?

"We have good prices on various things that don't do much, but comfort you."

Yeah, that seems to describe "As Seen on TV Kinoki Cleansing Foot Pads" perfectly.

Good, Better, Best. Never Let it Rest

When I was a kid, my mom would tell me this rhyme:

Good, better, best
Never let it rest
Till you good gets better
And your better is best.

So I wonder what she'll make of the choices my scanner presents. The tangle of comparatives here is thick. Is "best" better and faster than "excellent" or is "excellent" somehow bester? And the speed. Nothing is the slowest, but "excellent," which may or may not be the bester setting, is slower.

My poor brain is hurtinger than it's been in a while. This isn't the confusedest I've ever been, but it's the closerest I've come in quite some time.

Less than Zero

So I'm looking for some way to strap my boy's DVD player to the back of a car headrest and I come across this on the manufacturer's website. A very simple order form does not require instructions. Indeed, poor instructions could make matters worse.

“Input non-zero quantities for the parts you need” we're advised. Hold on there Einstein! You're talking to a liberal arts major here. I don't live in your cold, cold world of numbers. “Non-zero” you say? Well I did take a little philosophy. I think I can put together a pretty sound argument for why you should money to me when I enter negative numbers. They are, after all, “non-zero.” Maybe I am on my way!

Is it Really Worth It?

Behold the dangers of a jewelry cleaner. Could this be the same company that brought us Innervation Racing? Thanks to our friend Kamala for this one.

• Do not dissect the unit except the authorized serviceman.
• Repeat working cycle can enhance the cleaning effect While the interval is better longer than 5 minutes.
• Unfirmly inlaid studs on decorations may shed off during cleaning.
• Unfastened parts may also meet above problems.
• Do not merge non-waterproof watch into water.
• Close supervision is necessary when this product is used by, on, or near children or invalids.
• Never use while sleeping or drowsy.
• During cleaning, the "ZiZi" noise is normal.
  

Think of the horrors that could ensue if a sleeping invalid merged a watch into it while children were dissecting it!!

Paradoxymoron?

This little nugget comes courtesy of Meritline.com. It's actually my favorite place for picking up random cheap techy stuff. In what can only be described as paradoxymoronical, "Custom Accessories" is offering a Universal Cell Phone Holder. There seems to be a little tension in our adjectives, no?

You know, I have one simple request

And that is to have sharks with FRICKIN' LASER BEAMS attached to their heads!

So you can imagine my joy when LEGO, of all sources, comes through. My boy is signed up for the LEGO Brickmaster club, but honestly, I'm more into it than he is. The current issue brought us this riveting scene from the Agents series of LEGO sets and I swear those are sharks with frickin' lasers! Awesome!

How Hard Can It Be?

My name is Stuart. When I speak my name, I make a conscious effort to pronounce it clearly. I give the S plenty of hiss and both Ts have a strong snap to them. Yet for some reason, when I order my burritos, the folks behind the counter have difficulty with my name. Now don't jump to any conclusions about the people behind the cash register. They're all nice, hard-working people from a variety of ethnic backgrounds. Still, when faced with the prospect of typing "Stuart" (I accept "Stewart" as phonetically indistinguishable), they routinely fail. Comically.

My favorite bungled version is "Storch." Regrettably, I lost that receipt.

You're On Your Way!

Am I on my way? Read that first section in bold and tell me if you agree.

Now, I must fully disclose my mathematical aptitude. Many of us in this world are not particularly gifted in the manipulation of numbers. I believe that my skills settle somewhere below that. I struggled with math all through school and never once turned in an A. I'm so averse to math that I selected my college major based largely on the math requirements. I had a single course titled "Mathematics for Liberal Arts Majors" but everyone just called it "Intro to Numbers." And still I produced the weakest showing of my college career, grateful that a C is still a passing grade.

Knowing this, I believe that I'm still within my mathematical capacities when I assert that a person requires at least one TrueBlue point to be considered "on your way to redeeming for your next Award Flight." Moreover I am squarely in my realm of expertise to state that the preceding quote contains too many prepositions. Jetting indeed.

Something Isn't Quite Right Here

So, uh, was this Historic Life-Saving Station poorly run? Are these the, let's say, negative outcomes? See, a good Life-Saving Station really ought not need its own cemetery.

This troubling sign comes courtesy of Point Reyes National Seashore. While I'm not above poking a little fun at the place, I do truly adore the park and the whole Tomales Bay area.

Going Through the Motions

This morning I woke up to find this message darkening my inbox:

Congratulations. The South African football association, safa is proud to inform you that you have just won Two Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$2.500, 000.00).

I have to wonder, are these guys even trying anymore? These schemes were never models of grammar and spelling, but come on. If you can't even type a number correctly, how many suckers are you going to reel in? You'd think they might use some of their spoils to, say, hire someone who speaks the language of their marks. But I guess everyone burns out at some point and just churns through the workday. Makes me wonder what a trip to the DMV is like in Nigeria...

Daddy Smells Like What!?

A couple days ago, my bride and I were on either side our five year old boy on the couch mercilessly delivering kisses to his cheeks. After I'd delivered about 5 or 6 he turned away from me and announced that he only wanted kisses from Mommy because: "Daddy's breath smells like Thursday."

I excused myself to brush.

The Grand-Daddy of Useless Guarantees

This one has bugged me since I was a kid. Look on any Band Aid package and you'll see this pointless pledge. I mean, we all know they can't guarantee an open bandage retains its sterility. So why the guarantee? It's the Schrödinger's Cat of product safety: you can't know if your Band Aid is clean without collapsing the waveform.

I've got a few more to propose.
Mac OS X: Guaranteed not to crash unless computer is running.
Windows: Guaranteed not to crash unless you're alone or with someone.
Claritin: Guaranteed effective in the absence of allergens.
Taco Bell: Guaranteed E. Coli free unless opened or eaten.

Screaming Baby Airlines

So, this doesn't really fit the theme of the blog, but I just love it. A little audio nugget of goodness from Jim Ward of the Stephanie Miller Show.

Japanophobia

A few years ago, I was sent to Japan on business. You might think "Cool! Free trip to Japan" Many folks would. I'm not one of those people.

See, I'm a bit of a curmudgeon. Not only that, I'm a picky eater with lowbrow tastes. It's the culinary analog to stagflation, rare but not unheard of. Worse yet, I don't eat any seafood. And I mean any seafod. If it lived in water, I won't eat it. Japan, being comprised entirely of islands, is a place where whole fish are in the breakfast buffet. So it might not surprise you that I didn't take to the cuisine.

I recorded the experience in an email to my family.

In the Next World

I'm a fan of cemeteries. Many people have no concept of how a person could actually like cemeteries and I get that. But to me, they're amazingly peaceful places full of art. Last spring, I had the opportunity to visit the Columbarium in San Francisco. Among a century's worth of memorials, I came across the ashes of A. Buck. What good is a buck when you're deceased? What does it mean when a buck moves on? Kinda makes me wonder.

You want me to screw what now?

See my previous post for the background on my remote control car and the less than meticulous effort that went into translating the instructions from Chinese to English. This bit is from the product box itself. I suppose it's grammatically acceptible to hyphenate a word before "tion" but it sure doesn't look right. The absence of an actual hyphen isn't helping matters.



"screw the cover"
I'm a little perplexed at the battery installation process. Specifically the last step when installing both the car and controller batteries. When they say "screw the cover," is it an offhand kind of "screw the cover, just leave it off" comment? Or do they want me to affix the covers using screws? Surely they're not making some lewd suggestion, are they?

"Put the 'ON' switch on both the car and the radio control box and the instruction light will be on."
OK, it sounds like there's an "ON" switch knocking around somewhere and I've got to place it on two things at once. Is this some sort of quantum superposition state I'm supposed to set up? Will a cat die if I collapse the waveform? And what the hell is the instruction light!?

"You can put the signpost first and they start."
Sure, I can put the signpost first. I don't even have a signpost. Was it supposed to be in the box? Will they start in the absence of a signpost? What are "they" anyway; there's only one car.

It shoulda been called Infuria-tion Racing.

When a Man and a Woman Love Each Other Very Much

So the boy and I enjoy this Science Channel show called How It's Made. Each episode shows how four things are made. Might be saddles, might be surgical thread, might be acid for cleaning driveways. You just never know.

This evening, I was perusing the shows we've recorded and came across this disconcerting description.

Now, I'm a married man. Most of my friends are too. I've been to, and in, many wedding ceremonies. I can say with absolute certainty, that electrodes have never been part of the ritual.

On the other hand, the program is produced in Canada. I have not been to a Canadian wedding, so perhaps electrodes play some role in their nuptials. Here too, however, I'm skeptical. A friend of mine recently married a delightful Canadian woman and he possesses dual Canadian/American citizenship. While I was unable to attend their celebration, I think I would have heard about the electrodes at some point. I remain at a loss.

Thank God my kid can't read yet. "Daddy, what's a wedding electrode?"
"Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much the make a commitment to one another called a wedding."
"And the electrodes?"
"Uuh. Right. You see, there are times when mommies and daddies need to, like, spice things up a little bit. And some people like to, uh, you know...."
"You don't know what you're talking about, do you Daddy?"
"I sure don't. Want some ice cream?"

Here's Something No One Ever Thought of Before

This delightful little nugget came to me from my editor Liz. Her new iPod charger dingus comes with this thrilling bonus:

Features our exclusive ON/OFF Switch

No one ever thought of this before! A mechanism whereby the device can be actuated and incapacitated at the mere whim of the operator!

Sno•Baller

To celebrate the new year, my bride, our boy and I headed into the mountains to play in the snow for a day. While breaking for lunch we bought a new toy for the little man, a Sno•Baller. This thing is the love child of ceremonial ribbon cutting scissors and a melon baller. But I will affirm that, given the right snow, it did indeed make perfect snowballs every time.


But reading the label aloud, adjacent to "Hours of fun for all ages" was the admonition "NOT INTENDED FOR USE UNDER 5 YEARS OLD." Our four and a half year old became concerned upon hearing this. Was it not going to be fun because he's four? Would he have to wait until April to play with it? Were we going to play with it in front of him? Most importantly, why does it say "all ages" then go on to exclude him? We assured him that being responsible parents, we'd dispense with all caution, disregard the warning and allow him unfettered access to his new toy.


It was, indeed, hours of fun for all ages.