Daddy Smells Like What!?

A couple days ago, my bride and I were on either side our five year old boy on the couch mercilessly delivering kisses to his cheeks. After I'd delivered about 5 or 6 he turned away from me and announced that he only wanted kisses from Mommy because: "Daddy's breath smells like Thursday."

I excused myself to brush.

The Grand-Daddy of Useless Guarantees

This one has bugged me since I was a kid. Look on any Band Aid package and you'll see this pointless pledge. I mean, we all know they can't guarantee an open bandage retains its sterility. So why the guarantee? It's the Schrödinger's Cat of product safety: you can't know if your Band Aid is clean without collapsing the waveform.

I've got a few more to propose.
Mac OS X: Guaranteed not to crash unless computer is running.
Windows: Guaranteed not to crash unless you're alone or with someone.
Claritin: Guaranteed effective in the absence of allergens.
Taco Bell: Guaranteed E. Coli free unless opened or eaten.

Screaming Baby Airlines

So, this doesn't really fit the theme of the blog, but I just love it. A little audio nugget of goodness from Jim Ward of the Stephanie Miller Show.

Japanophobia

A few years ago, I was sent to Japan on business. You might think "Cool! Free trip to Japan" Many folks would. I'm not one of those people.

See, I'm a bit of a curmudgeon. Not only that, I'm a picky eater with lowbrow tastes. It's the culinary analog to stagflation, rare but not unheard of. Worse yet, I don't eat any seafood. And I mean any seafod. If it lived in water, I won't eat it. Japan, being comprised entirely of islands, is a place where whole fish are in the breakfast buffet. So it might not surprise you that I didn't take to the cuisine.

I recorded the experience in an email to my family.

In the Next World

I'm a fan of cemeteries. Many people have no concept of how a person could actually like cemeteries and I get that. But to me, they're amazingly peaceful places full of art. Last spring, I had the opportunity to visit the Columbarium in San Francisco. Among a century's worth of memorials, I came across the ashes of A. Buck. What good is a buck when you're deceased? What does it mean when a buck moves on? Kinda makes me wonder.

You want me to screw what now?

See my previous post for the background on my remote control car and the less than meticulous effort that went into translating the instructions from Chinese to English. This bit is from the product box itself. I suppose it's grammatically acceptible to hyphenate a word before "tion" but it sure doesn't look right. The absence of an actual hyphen isn't helping matters.



"screw the cover"
I'm a little perplexed at the battery installation process. Specifically the last step when installing both the car and controller batteries. When they say "screw the cover," is it an offhand kind of "screw the cover, just leave it off" comment? Or do they want me to affix the covers using screws? Surely they're not making some lewd suggestion, are they?

"Put the 'ON' switch on both the car and the radio control box and the instruction light will be on."
OK, it sounds like there's an "ON" switch knocking around somewhere and I've got to place it on two things at once. Is this some sort of quantum superposition state I'm supposed to set up? Will a cat die if I collapse the waveform? And what the hell is the instruction light!?

"You can put the signpost first and they start."
Sure, I can put the signpost first. I don't even have a signpost. Was it supposed to be in the box? Will they start in the absence of a signpost? What are "they" anyway; there's only one car.

It shoulda been called Infuria-tion Racing.

When a Man and a Woman Love Each Other Very Much

So the boy and I enjoy this Science Channel show called How It's Made. Each episode shows how four things are made. Might be saddles, might be surgical thread, might be acid for cleaning driveways. You just never know.

This evening, I was perusing the shows we've recorded and came across this disconcerting description.

Now, I'm a married man. Most of my friends are too. I've been to, and in, many wedding ceremonies. I can say with absolute certainty, that electrodes have never been part of the ritual.

On the other hand, the program is produced in Canada. I have not been to a Canadian wedding, so perhaps electrodes play some role in their nuptials. Here too, however, I'm skeptical. A friend of mine recently married a delightful Canadian woman and he possesses dual Canadian/American citizenship. While I was unable to attend their celebration, I think I would have heard about the electrodes at some point. I remain at a loss.

Thank God my kid can't read yet. "Daddy, what's a wedding electrode?"
"Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much the make a commitment to one another called a wedding."
"And the electrodes?"
"Uuh. Right. You see, there are times when mommies and daddies need to, like, spice things up a little bit. And some people like to, uh, you know...."
"You don't know what you're talking about, do you Daddy?"
"I sure don't. Want some ice cream?"