Japanophobia

A few years ago, I was sent to Japan on business. You might think "Cool! Free trip to Japan" Many folks would. I'm not one of those people.

See, I'm a bit of a curmudgeon. Not only that, I'm a picky eater with lowbrow tastes. It's the culinary analog to stagflation, rare but not unheard of. Worse yet, I don't eat any seafood. And I mean any seafod. If it lived in water, I won't eat it. Japan, being comprised entirely of islands, is a place where whole fish are in the breakfast buffet. So it might not surprise you that I didn't take to the cuisine.

I recorded the experience in an email to my family.

In the Next World

I'm a fan of cemeteries. Many people have no concept of how a person could actually like cemeteries and I get that. But to me, they're amazingly peaceful places full of art. Last spring, I had the opportunity to visit the Columbarium in San Francisco. Among a century's worth of memorials, I came across the ashes of A. Buck. What good is a buck when you're deceased? What does it mean when a buck moves on? Kinda makes me wonder.

You want me to screw what now?

See my previous post for the background on my remote control car and the less than meticulous effort that went into translating the instructions from Chinese to English. This bit is from the product box itself. I suppose it's grammatically acceptible to hyphenate a word before "tion" but it sure doesn't look right. The absence of an actual hyphen isn't helping matters.



"screw the cover"
I'm a little perplexed at the battery installation process. Specifically the last step when installing both the car and controller batteries. When they say "screw the cover," is it an offhand kind of "screw the cover, just leave it off" comment? Or do they want me to affix the covers using screws? Surely they're not making some lewd suggestion, are they?

"Put the 'ON' switch on both the car and the radio control box and the instruction light will be on."
OK, it sounds like there's an "ON" switch knocking around somewhere and I've got to place it on two things at once. Is this some sort of quantum superposition state I'm supposed to set up? Will a cat die if I collapse the waveform? And what the hell is the instruction light!?

"You can put the signpost first and they start."
Sure, I can put the signpost first. I don't even have a signpost. Was it supposed to be in the box? Will they start in the absence of a signpost? What are "they" anyway; there's only one car.

It shoulda been called Infuria-tion Racing.

When a Man and a Woman Love Each Other Very Much

So the boy and I enjoy this Science Channel show called How It's Made. Each episode shows how four things are made. Might be saddles, might be surgical thread, might be acid for cleaning driveways. You just never know.

This evening, I was perusing the shows we've recorded and came across this disconcerting description.

Now, I'm a married man. Most of my friends are too. I've been to, and in, many wedding ceremonies. I can say with absolute certainty, that electrodes have never been part of the ritual.

On the other hand, the program is produced in Canada. I have not been to a Canadian wedding, so perhaps electrodes play some role in their nuptials. Here too, however, I'm skeptical. A friend of mine recently married a delightful Canadian woman and he possesses dual Canadian/American citizenship. While I was unable to attend their celebration, I think I would have heard about the electrodes at some point. I remain at a loss.

Thank God my kid can't read yet. "Daddy, what's a wedding electrode?"
"Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much the make a commitment to one another called a wedding."
"And the electrodes?"
"Uuh. Right. You see, there are times when mommies and daddies need to, like, spice things up a little bit. And some people like to, uh, you know...."
"You don't know what you're talking about, do you Daddy?"
"I sure don't. Want some ice cream?"

Here's Something No One Ever Thought of Before

This delightful little nugget came to me from my editor Liz. Her new iPod charger dingus comes with this thrilling bonus:

Features our exclusive ON/OFF Switch

No one ever thought of this before! A mechanism whereby the device can be actuated and incapacitated at the mere whim of the operator!

Sno•Baller

To celebrate the new year, my bride, our boy and I headed into the mountains to play in the snow for a day. While breaking for lunch we bought a new toy for the little man, a Sno•Baller. This thing is the love child of ceremonial ribbon cutting scissors and a melon baller. But I will affirm that, given the right snow, it did indeed make perfect snowballs every time.


But reading the label aloud, adjacent to "Hours of fun for all ages" was the admonition "NOT INTENDED FOR USE UNDER 5 YEARS OLD." Our four and a half year old became concerned upon hearing this. Was it not going to be fun because he's four? Would he have to wait until April to play with it? Were we going to play with it in front of him? Most importantly, why does it say "all ages" then go on to exclude him? We assured him that being responsible parents, we'd dispense with all caution, disregard the warning and allow him unfettered access to his new toy.


It was, indeed, hours of fun for all ages.

Innervation Racing

This is what happens when you skimp on translation services
---- or ----
"He is, the one that happens if you skimp to the works of the translation."


I was given a remote controlled car for my birthday this year. It was made in China and, I can only gather, was hastily prepared for sale in English speaking markets. For starters, the product is called "Innervation Racing" and is adorned with decals such as "Speeding!" and "Good Sale" (which I'm guessing was supposed to be "goodbye" but stopped off at "good buy" before arriving at "good sale"). One need only read the instructions to be fully convinced. To wit:

1. If another car using the same radio frequency operated same time nearby ,the control of car would be malnutrition .
So...get two cars together and go hungry?

2. Please change the place or other period of time to play .Sometime , if affected by other radio frequency transmition the control may be also out of order .
OK, this one is a gem for punctuation alone. But it also seems to suggest that whatever time and place you had in mind for using this toy will have to change.

Apparently "transmition" will mess you up too. So please, children, say no to transmition and stay in school.

3. This car suitable to play on the roughage sand road ,if playing on the every smooth polished ground ,because the fiction between wheel and ground is too small , may cause problem of moving in non-straight path ,car rotate 180º or continually rotating on the ground.
Cursed fiction. If only the fiction between wheel and ground were larger, but no. They have to be honest and ruin our fun. Not only that, where am I going to find a road that's built of sand and non-digestible fibrous vegetable matter? At least the malnutritioning car will be continually rotating on the ground and not in the air where someone could really get hurt.

I do give them credit for omitting the space before the period .

4. Better play on the larger playground ,not suitable playing indoor on a single-family house .
Surely you'll appreciate the relief I felt upon first reading number four. You see, I own a condo that is attached to two other dwellings and am therefore cleared to use the car indoors. I am a bit miffed that I can't play on the smaller playground. The larger being considerably less convenient.

I have another set of instructions from this product I'll post next.