Blood Bath and Beyond

I get a coupon for 20% off any single item at a large, and particularly odiferous, chain store about every third day. It's one of those "big box" stores that hangs product from floor to twenty-five foot ceiling. I suppose they want to give a "well stocked" impression. I tend to simply reel at the volume of crap they can cram into a given space.

And the smell. It's like a Yankee Candle potpourri nose enema. I lose my peripheral vision for a minute or two trying to adjust to the reek. My wife once bought a box of Whoppers from this establishment and we had to throw them out. Whatever trace of chocolate and malted milk remained was just too weak to stand up to the smell. Even if you don't buy a thing, the stench clings to your clothes and catches a ride home with you.

Yeah, I love to hate this place. That's why I never pass up the occasional crapalog they send me. It's like a down-market SkyMall and I eat it up. Imagine my delight when, and I'm not making this up, immediately adjacent to a wine-making kit, they advertise the $15 breathalyzer. I hope that's a clock on the display- if your BAL is 1.05 you're gonna wish you sprung for the $45 keychain breathalyzer. That one texts your next-of-kin when you exceed .99. And it's December. So in an increasingly unfortunate series of decisions, someone decided that a keychain breathalyzer was a corking idea, some marketing mensa singled it out for holiday giving, and in a flash of true inspiration, the catalog genius made the obvious link with the wine making kit. "Everything for the wino motorist on your list."

The kicker? It's "For Entertainment Purposes Only." Entertainment!? Let me tell you, after a couple hours pounding homemade wine, "entertainment" usually starts with the phrase "hey guys! Watch this!" and ends in the emergency room.

Hockin' up for Science

I got a letter from Kaiser medical's research arm a few months ago asking me to participate in a decades-long genetics study. It didn't take me long to decide if I would participate. I mean, a bell curve has to start somewhere, right? So I sent back the letter saying I'd do it. They sent back a letter saying "thanks, any you may or may not ever hear from us again." Feeling a trifle toyed with, I sat by the mailbox for the next few days yearning for some sign that they liked me. My codependent behavior was rewarded when another communication arrived advising me that another communication would be arriving. And this next was was the one I'd been waiting for. Kaiser wanted my spit. A month in and I was finally getting to first base.


Those of you who aren't key participants in groundbreaking research such as myself may think that spitting into a cup is a simple affair. You poor, naive souls. Placing laboratory-quality saliva into a sample container is precise, laborious work. Indeed, it takes a full page of instructions with multiple diagrams to teach the novice expectorator just how to hock into that cup.


My favorite direction was number 5. "Finish spitting within 30 minutes after you start." I just wanted it to go on forever...

Underwear Overboard

I went to Target yesterday. Funny thing about Target. No matter what I go there for, I end up spending at least a hundred bucks. I may think I just need chapstick, but somewhere between the front door and checkout, I find my arms laden with $100 worth of whatever it is Target sells. Yesterday it was $175.

Roughly 8% of my bill went to underwear. I like this kind of unmentionables because whenever someone asks me "Boxers or Briefs?" (which, mind you, is the kind of coy flirtation that happens to a guy like be on a semi-decadal basis), I can cleverly retort "Yes." At which point I successfully stanch all playful banter.

The other thing about this- that model is WAY too happy about his undies. And what about this "No Ride Up" money back guarantee? How does one go about securing a refund when their drawers start riding up? Do you have to drop trau for the kid behind the returns desk? Send a picture along with the unused portion back to Bangladesh? I wonder how many people take them up on the offer?

(parenthesexy)

So, we're all used to getting spam. And I certainly get my share of Nigerian "I've got $47Million I need to stash in your bank account" pitches and "You've won some lottery you never entered in a country you've never been to" scams. I also get these "I am handsome woman with requirement make the acquaintance for fetching mans" emails a couple times a week. But this one is the first I've ever seen with such copious use of parenthesis.

hey;) how are you?) do you have a second?)... i have not boyfriend(( I very want to meet real men...which will know woman's need ...like in a cinema ... you know)))) lets chat!) i am pretty girl)) I have a lot of time for meetings and if you have any ideas how to spend it with me... just email me back at ROMEY@[blahblah].com and i will reply back with some nice ;) photos with me ...and maybe, you will want to write me again)))

I much want to know...when the using upon parentheses...why are the symbols leaving balance...you know)))))

Bed Bath and Beyond

Somewhere I read that children process language very literally. According to the author of this article, it's not until a child reaches the age or 9 or 10 that linguistic nuances like sarcasm and irony are comprehended. That theory seems to hold up in my house. What else can explain this remark from my five year old boy while pretending to work at Bed Bath and Beyond?

"We have good prices on various things that don't do much, but comfort you."

Yeah, that seems to describe "As Seen on TV Kinoki Cleansing Foot Pads" perfectly.

Good, Better, Best. Never Let it Rest

When I was a kid, my mom would tell me this rhyme:

Good, better, best
Never let it rest
Till you good gets better
And your better is best.

So I wonder what she'll make of the choices my scanner presents. The tangle of comparatives here is thick. Is "best" better and faster than "excellent" or is "excellent" somehow bester? And the speed. Nothing is the slowest, but "excellent," which may or may not be the bester setting, is slower.

My poor brain is hurtinger than it's been in a while. This isn't the confusedest I've ever been, but it's the closerest I've come in quite some time.

Less than Zero

So I'm looking for some way to strap my boy's DVD player to the back of a car headrest and I come across this on the manufacturer's website. A very simple order form does not require instructions. Indeed, poor instructions could make matters worse.

“Input non-zero quantities for the parts you need” we're advised. Hold on there Einstein! You're talking to a liberal arts major here. I don't live in your cold, cold world of numbers. “Non-zero” you say? Well I did take a little philosophy. I think I can put together a pretty sound argument for why you should money to me when I enter negative numbers. They are, after all, “non-zero.” Maybe I am on my way!