How To Pay For Something That's Free But Isn't Really Anything

I saw a 7-11 ad on a bus today that read "Free Virtual Gift with Taquito Purchase." Where to begin? I consulted my dictionary to be certain, and it confirms that a gift is "a thing given willingly to someone without payment." Which suggests that a "free gift" is redundant like an "automatic ATM machine."

But wait, this alleged gift is presented to you only if you purchase a taquito. So 7-11 isn't going to willingly give you this thing without payment for your taquito. The "free gift" is actually something they're going to include with the purchase of a taquito without an additional charge. Free-ish, but you still have to part with some cash.

The questionable freeness of the gift notwithstanding, there's the matter of reality. Does a virtual gift have any value? Sure, some design and coding effort went into its creation, but with the ability to create hundreds of millions of copies with negligible effort or cost, do you really have something of worth? And if you give up your WhateverVille account, you don't get to keep your gift that wasn't real to begin with.

In the end, then, you're buying a nasty-ass 7-11 taquito and receiving access to some computer code for as long as you maintain the FriendFace application that runs it. Score.

Stuart's Sky Mall Game

I admit it. When I fly, I enthusiastically dive into the Sky Mall catalog. I adore it's randomness. There aren't many catalogs where you can find a $400 foot squisher and a two foot tall Bigfoot statue in the same pages. Inspired by its strangeness and by my beloved parody Sky Maul (Shop 'Till You Drop...From the Sky!™) I came up with the Sky Mall game.

Open SkyMall to any given page. Drawing only from that page and the one facing it, string together a few phrases of your choice. Grammar modifications for things like plurality and subject-verb agreement are OK. Here are a couple from my flight last Saturday.

p. 44-45 The removable pivoting kettle is more of a pleasure when encased in rich leather. Integrated two-slice toaster with special bagel setting does the rest, no plumbing required.

p.38-39 Unlike plastic pet fountains, this forms gently to the shape of your thigh. The falling stream attracts pets which are suctioned by a 22,400 RPM motor.

p. 28-29 This portable device analyzes your dog's DNA and allows you to convert your cherished antimicrobial artificial turf at up to 300 dpi resolution. Integrated diffuser screen gives dogs a place to relieve themselves.

p. 22-23 Nobody needs to know about your notorious and gripping run-ins with your baby in the dark.Calm them behind a bookcase or beneath a couch.

p. 24-25 Impress your friends with work, stress, drinking, and harmful UV rays. A simple swab of your inner cheek turns even the hardest wood into mold and mildew.

This could work with just about any catalog, but the sheer randomness of SkyMall makes for some interesting possibilities...

It's like they're trying to tell me something.

I've been getting calls supposedly from a collection agency recently. They occasionally leave messages stating they're calling on behalf of Giant Evil Credit Card Company, but usually they just ring my phone every couple hours, you know, just being friendly-like. It's surely a scam because I have an account with Giant Evil Credit Card Company that has never been over-limit or past due. Still, the concern that some jackass out there used my name to get credit and is using it to snap up Jeff Foxworthy memorabilia on eBay was enough to send me for a credit report.

So I go through the unnecessarily arduous steps to obtain my free credit report. At various stages in the process one has to prove that he's human by deciphering misshapen letters. I think, once in a while, bankers and credit card executives should have to prove humanity. Not by transcribing twisted text, but by illustrating some form of genuine kindness. Tax-deductible charity donations don't count. Something selfless and tangible. But I digress. The distorted characters I had to translate seemed to spell out their message to me and it's clear that they'll tolerate my existence as long as they're getting money out of it, but they sure don't like me.







It doesn't take too much imagination to turn FUQK 70 into FU*K YOU...

Go Bold! Or Don't!

So, I'm not particularly proud of my past with Taco Bell. I mean, it was back in college and everyone gets into things they think the better of later. I was simply poor and generally unwilling to cook for myself. So Taco Bell seemed like a good fit. By my junior year, I knew which particular locations had the best burritos, fastest drive-throughs, and least-sticky floors. I was living off the stuff. These days I make my own burritos out of stuff I purchase at the grocery store, but I admit it- I buy the Taco Bell sauce. I like it because it's way less spicy than most of the others on the shelf. Which makes the label design that much more amusing. I buy this stuff because I don't want to "go bold." I want to go mild. Then I want some warm milk while I watch Matlock.

Mr. Opportunity

A decade ago I bought a new Honda Civic. The nice folks at the dealership still seem to labor under the misapprehension that I'll be able to buy a new car again at some point in my life. That's looking increasingly improbable. Hope springs eternal and whatnot, so they send me postcards and letters asking for my business. Indeed, I once received a mailer with an enticing scratch-off pad. You know, like on Lottery tickets? It was from their service department and under the metallic blot was my personal service discount! I pulled a coin out of the nearest child's hand and began scratching furiously. Would I get a free tune-up? Maybe half off a timing belt replacement!

But my enthusiasm was naive and misplaced. Much like Ralphie decoding Little Orphan Annie's secret message, I was playing the chump. My personal discount was for $2 off any service. That's two dollars off. At a freaking car dealership! Somewhere, in the quietest, most remote part of my brain, the last non-cynical cell in my body cried out: "Son of a bitch!"

Which leads us to Mr. Opportunity up there. Last summer I got another solicitation from the sales department. They managed to insult my intelligence by mistaking the plural for the possessive. There was no shock or hurt this time. I'm a lot tougher now. After a disdainful snort, I made a solemn vow to myself. If I had the money for a new car, I'd take my business elsewhere.

Please Give Generously

Dear friends, It's my sincere hope that you haven't personally suffered from the Lymes. Even if you haven't, you surely know a friend, family member, or acquaintance who has endured the heartbreak of Lymes. That's why I'm asking you to look into your tick-bitten heart and reach into your wallet. Please help the neediest among us. Every $2,500 (plus tax) you donate buys an hour of hyperbaric therapy for some poor Lymer. And, if you donate today, we'll send you a free "I got pressured into hyperbaric therapy" t-shirt as our gift. So please, before my next boat payment comes due, won't you give to the Lymer fund?

This Time, it's Personally

It's something they take personal, huh? Well that's heartening. I just wish adverbs were something they took serious.