In the Next World

I'm a fan of cemeteries. Many people have no concept of how a person could actually like cemeteries and I get that. But to me, they're amazingly peaceful places full of art. Last spring, I had the opportunity to visit the Columbarium in San Francisco. Among a century's worth of memorials, I came across the ashes of A. Buck. What good is a buck when you're deceased? What does it mean when a buck moves on? Kinda makes me wonder.

You want me to screw what now?

See my previous post for the background on my remote control car and the less than meticulous effort that went into translating the instructions from Chinese to English. This bit is from the product box itself. I suppose it's grammatically acceptible to hyphenate a word before "tion" but it sure doesn't look right. The absence of an actual hyphen isn't helping matters.



"screw the cover"
I'm a little perplexed at the battery installation process. Specifically the last step when installing both the car and controller batteries. When they say "screw the cover," is it an offhand kind of "screw the cover, just leave it off" comment? Or do they want me to affix the covers using screws? Surely they're not making some lewd suggestion, are they?

"Put the 'ON' switch on both the car and the radio control box and the instruction light will be on."
OK, it sounds like there's an "ON" switch knocking around somewhere and I've got to place it on two things at once. Is this some sort of quantum superposition state I'm supposed to set up? Will a cat die if I collapse the waveform? And what the hell is the instruction light!?

"You can put the signpost first and they start."
Sure, I can put the signpost first. I don't even have a signpost. Was it supposed to be in the box? Will they start in the absence of a signpost? What are "they" anyway; there's only one car.

It shoulda been called Infuria-tion Racing.

When a Man and a Woman Love Each Other Very Much

So the boy and I enjoy this Science Channel show called How It's Made. Each episode shows how four things are made. Might be saddles, might be surgical thread, might be acid for cleaning driveways. You just never know.

This evening, I was perusing the shows we've recorded and came across this disconcerting description.

Now, I'm a married man. Most of my friends are too. I've been to, and in, many wedding ceremonies. I can say with absolute certainty, that electrodes have never been part of the ritual.

On the other hand, the program is produced in Canada. I have not been to a Canadian wedding, so perhaps electrodes play some role in their nuptials. Here too, however, I'm skeptical. A friend of mine recently married a delightful Canadian woman and he possesses dual Canadian/American citizenship. While I was unable to attend their celebration, I think I would have heard about the electrodes at some point. I remain at a loss.

Thank God my kid can't read yet. "Daddy, what's a wedding electrode?"
"Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much the make a commitment to one another called a wedding."
"And the electrodes?"
"Uuh. Right. You see, there are times when mommies and daddies need to, like, spice things up a little bit. And some people like to, uh, you know...."
"You don't know what you're talking about, do you Daddy?"
"I sure don't. Want some ice cream?"

Here's Something No One Ever Thought of Before

This delightful little nugget came to me from my editor Liz. Her new iPod charger dingus comes with this thrilling bonus:

Features our exclusive ON/OFF Switch

No one ever thought of this before! A mechanism whereby the device can be actuated and incapacitated at the mere whim of the operator!

Sno•Baller

To celebrate the new year, my bride, our boy and I headed into the mountains to play in the snow for a day. While breaking for lunch we bought a new toy for the little man, a Sno•Baller. This thing is the love child of ceremonial ribbon cutting scissors and a melon baller. But I will affirm that, given the right snow, it did indeed make perfect snowballs every time.


But reading the label aloud, adjacent to "Hours of fun for all ages" was the admonition "NOT INTENDED FOR USE UNDER 5 YEARS OLD." Our four and a half year old became concerned upon hearing this. Was it not going to be fun because he's four? Would he have to wait until April to play with it? Were we going to play with it in front of him? Most importantly, why does it say "all ages" then go on to exclude him? We assured him that being responsible parents, we'd dispense with all caution, disregard the warning and allow him unfettered access to his new toy.


It was, indeed, hours of fun for all ages.