Hockin' up for Science

I got a letter from Kaiser medical's research arm a few months ago asking me to participate in a decades-long genetics study. It didn't take me long to decide if I would participate. I mean, a bell curve has to start somewhere, right? So I sent back the letter saying I'd do it. They sent back a letter saying "thanks, any you may or may not ever hear from us again." Feeling a trifle toyed with, I sat by the mailbox for the next few days yearning for some sign that they liked me. My codependent behavior was rewarded when another communication arrived advising me that another communication would be arriving. And this next was was the one I'd been waiting for. Kaiser wanted my spit. A month in and I was finally getting to first base.


Those of you who aren't key participants in groundbreaking research such as myself may think that spitting into a cup is a simple affair. You poor, naive souls. Placing laboratory-quality saliva into a sample container is precise, laborious work. Indeed, it takes a full page of instructions with multiple diagrams to teach the novice expectorator just how to hock into that cup.


My favorite direction was number 5. "Finish spitting within 30 minutes after you start." I just wanted it to go on forever...

Underwear Overboard

I went to Target yesterday. Funny thing about Target. No matter what I go there for, I end up spending at least a hundred bucks. I may think I just need chapstick, but somewhere between the front door and checkout, I find my arms laden with $100 worth of whatever it is Target sells. Yesterday it was $175.

Roughly 8% of my bill went to underwear. I like this kind of unmentionables because whenever someone asks me "Boxers or Briefs?" (which, mind you, is the kind of coy flirtation that happens to a guy like be on a semi-decadal basis), I can cleverly retort "Yes." At which point I successfully stanch all playful banter.

The other thing about this- that model is WAY too happy about his undies. And what about this "No Ride Up" money back guarantee? How does one go about securing a refund when their drawers start riding up? Do you have to drop trau for the kid behind the returns desk? Send a picture along with the unused portion back to Bangladesh? I wonder how many people take them up on the offer?