Bed Bath and Beyond

Somewhere I read that children process language very literally. According to the author of this article, it's not until a child reaches the age or 9 or 10 that linguistic nuances like sarcasm and irony are comprehended. That theory seems to hold up in my house. What else can explain this remark from my five year old boy while pretending to work at Bed Bath and Beyond?

"We have good prices on various things that don't do much, but comfort you."

Yeah, that seems to describe "As Seen on TV Kinoki Cleansing Foot Pads" perfectly.

Good, Better, Best. Never Let it Rest

When I was a kid, my mom would tell me this rhyme:

Good, better, best
Never let it rest
Till you good gets better
And your better is best.

So I wonder what she'll make of the choices my scanner presents. The tangle of comparatives here is thick. Is "best" better and faster than "excellent" or is "excellent" somehow bester? And the speed. Nothing is the slowest, but "excellent," which may or may not be the bester setting, is slower.

My poor brain is hurtinger than it's been in a while. This isn't the confusedest I've ever been, but it's the closerest I've come in quite some time.

Less than Zero

So I'm looking for some way to strap my boy's DVD player to the back of a car headrest and I come across this on the manufacturer's website. A very simple order form does not require instructions. Indeed, poor instructions could make matters worse.

“Input non-zero quantities for the parts you need” we're advised. Hold on there Einstein! You're talking to a liberal arts major here. I don't live in your cold, cold world of numbers. “Non-zero” you say? Well I did take a little philosophy. I think I can put together a pretty sound argument for why you should money to me when I enter negative numbers. They are, after all, “non-zero.” Maybe I am on my way!